


We keep behind closed doors

by Flora_Edwards



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flora_Edwards/pseuds/Flora_Edwards
Summary: Perrie is in love with jade, jade is completely unaware of this heartbreaking fact.perrie accepts that jade doesn’t love her, and that’s okay.....until jade does.
Relationships: Perrie Edwards/Jade Thirlwall
Comments: 11
Kudos: 22





	1. secret smiles

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so hopefully it doesn’t suck as much as i think it does.  
> just a quick note to say i do not own any characters or information as set out in this work, all rights belong to the respective people mentioned. this fic is purely fictional, written for fun not profit.
> 
> hope everyone enjoys it! xx

It was just after midnight when jade finally got home from the studio. The girls had such a hectic day of writing and recording and choreo planning that they didn’t realise the time til it was gone 11 o’clock. Everyone begged off at that point, agreeing it was way too late already and that they’d finish everything up tomorrow morning. She can’t say she’s displeased at finally being allowed to crawl into her soft duvet after a gruelling day. Jade is about to drift off to sleep when she hears her phone buzz from the table next to her. She very nearly manages to ignore it but then she thinks it could be something important so reaches out haphazardly and grabs the offending device. The too-bright screen illuminates the room with a sort of clinical white glow. She quickly turns down the brightness, the glare giving her a headache.

Opening her messages she sees she’s got a new one from Perrie:

_g’night my darling, sorry ‘bout making everyone stay late, i totally didn’t see the time just wanted to get the dance moves done hahaha. hope you have a good sleep, and don’t forget to take your makeup off!! i know how you are but it’s bad for your skin! love you, pezza xxx_

Jade’s heart skips a beat, her eyes scanning over the words again, ‘ _love you_ ’. She doesn’t know why her brain latched onto that, the girls say it to each other all the time. She know it’s just Perrie being her usual sweet, caring self but Jade can’t help the glimmer of joy that seeps into her veins, making her feel warm. She’s not sure what this feeling is exactly, but Jade likes it. So, she does as she’s told and goes to the bathroom to take her makeup off before crashing back into the pillows face first and falling straight to sleep.

Jade wakes up groggily to the alarm blaring. ‘ _god, it’s only 5am and i’ve already got to be up and ready for the world.’_ \- she thinks to herself- _‘it feels like i was only just at work 6 hours ago, oh wait, i was. can’t believe i’ve had no more than 5 hours sleep and now i’ve got another 12 hour day ahead of me. this career is gonna kill me i swear._ ’

But with a bit of grumbling and a permanent tired frown, she goes about her morning routine uninterrupted before grabbing her keys and heading to work. Once she arrives Jade feels a bit more lively, she’s had some tea and biscuits, which is the only way for one Jade Thirlwall to start her day. In a considerably better mood than when she woke up, she enters the studio a few minutes early to find she’s the first one of the girls there, although not entirely surprised by this. Leigh-anne’s usually on time-ish, Jesy is always here on the dot and as for Perrie, well, she’s either late because she’s asleep or she’s late because she’s got food. Either way it’s guaranteed that she’ll be here at least 20 minutes after everyone else. So it’s a damn surprise when Perrie comes fumbling through the door at 5 to.

_My god she’s never been early in her life, something must be wrong._

“who are you and what have you done with perrie?” Jade asks inquisitorially, hiding a smirk.

“ha-ha very funny, NOT” Perrie chuckles.

“no but seriously how on earth are you actually early for once in what? 6 years?” she shoots back, laughing a bit harder now.

Perrie feigns hurt at the comment, but answers, “can a woman never change huh?”

“not if you’re the woman in question love” Jade jokes affectionately.

“oof that one hurt Jadey. nah i was awake early so i thought i’d pick some breakfast up for everyone, i got you your fave bagel!” she adds excitedly. _G_ _od she’s just the cutest thing in the whole world when she’s excited. wait-what?_

“oh that’s actually really cute of you babe, thank you” Jade says pulling her in for a grateful hug. “but what had you up so early? i barely even woke up this morning, especially after how late we were last night”

“oh nothing much just couldn’t really sleep, kept tossing and turning all night long.” she answers a bit dejectedly. Jade shoots the blonde a worried glance before taking a bite of the bagel.

“oh my god i’m having a food orgasm” she moans, eliciting a giggle from perrie and what seems to be the slightest hint of a blush. Whatever could have caused that?

“Jaaade” she says whilst continuing to giggle “don’t you dare get turned on by that bagel, i don’t think i can handle horny Jade this early in the morning”

“eh what d’you mean? i’m no trouble i’ll have you know!” the brunette exclaims, giggling along with her now. Just then Jesy walks into the room, huffing whilst throwing her bags to the floor.

“what’s all this giggling about then, how can you even be functioning this early?” she asks in a slightly gruff, but light tone.

“just taking the piss out of Jade being horny over her bagel!” Perrie manages to get out between stifled laughs.

“oi! i am not horny i simply stated that the bagel was delicious” Jade says in humorous defence.

“okay, sure. because the word ‘orgasm’ totally isn’t related to your lack of sex right now eh?” she jabs at the small girl opposite her.

“now now girls let’s play nice, not all of us can have a line of boys waiting to shag us can we, eh Jade?” Jesy asks the smaller girl. She’s got a point. Jade hasn’t had any kind of action in months, whilst Perrie has her kind-of boyfriend, Jesy can literally get any guy she wants and Leigh’s got her fiance, Andre. Looks like she’s the only one in the group not currently being absolutely railed. Maybe that’s why Jade’s breath hitches when Perrie touches her hand to her bare thigh, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“Jade?” Perrie asks

“what? oh-sorry Pez, i’m so pissing tired, what were you saying?” Jade manages to choke out

“Jesminda was just saying how you’re the only one not getting any action at the moment, so she ain’t surprised you’re horny for your bagel” Perrie explains between laughing fits.

“now that’s not very nice, can’t help it if no one’s interested in me can I?” she says laughing along with the other girls.

“oh i wouldn’t go that far Jadey. i think you’re just too picky, there’s tonnes of boys who’d want to get with you, you just ain’t interested in them” Jesy offers.

“yeah Jade don’t put yourself down like that, anyone would be lucky to have you. clearly they don’t know what they’re missing.” Perrie says. A strange sadness glimmering in her eyes caught Jades attention, but it faded to a joyful smile almost as soon as it appeared.

“aww thanks babes, but i don’t think that’s entirely true, can’t know what they’re missing if no ones interested in the first place eh?” Jade huffs dejectedly.

“well there’s no bloody telling you but you’re a gorgey hun and don’t you forget that” Jesy laughs out in an Australian accent.

“no telling her what?” Leigh-anne enquires as she saunters through the door. Leigh-anne’s always been the most suave of the group, her presence brings an aura of power and respect which can be quite intimidating if you don’t know how much of a goofball she actually is.

“Jade’s convinced she’s unloveable” Jesy explains.

“oh bub, you know that’s not true stop being silly. you’re a gorgeous girlie any guy would be the luckiest person alive to have you” leigh compliments her. “it’s true.” Perrie agrees.

“girlsss stop i’m gonna blush” Jade chuckles, followed by the other girls joining in. She looks over to see Perrie’s bright and sunny smile. _god her laugh is like music to my ears. huh? christ my lack of action must be worse than I thought._

Soon after their manager James walks into the studio and the girls are kept busy with re-recording samples they weren’t happy with and finishing off the choreo from yesterday. Once they’re all finished they say goodbye and go their separate ways.

After another exhausting day at work is finished, Perrie calls for a driver to take her home. The other girls had already left but she caught a glimpse of brown curly hair and saw Jade making her way down the hall towards the car park. Watching the way her little hips swayed so delightfully as she walked away from the blonde, her bouncy hair bobbing up and down making her want to bury her face in it. This may seem like a weird thought to have about one of your best friends, but Perrie just could not help being absolutely enamoured by Jade Thirlwall. Perrie is unsure of how long shes actually been feeling like this but she knows it’s been long enough for her to come to terms with the fact that she’s in love with her best friend. Only recently though has she finally given up hope that it could actually turn into something real. Perrie realised it would be a really stupid idea, it could ruin the band, or worse it could leave Jade hating her and she wants nothing less than to lose her best mate. So shes decided it’s better for her to just ignore these feelings, push them aside until they hopefully go away. Besides, Jade’s not gay, neither is Perrie to be frank. It might seem like Perrie’s at least bisexual, but the thing is, she doesn’t like _girls_ , Perrie likes _Jade_. It’s something else entirely. The blonde loves her so wholly and with her entire being that it’s not got anything to do with sexuality, it just has to do with perrie loving everything that Jade is and everything she stands for. So lost in thought, she barely even registers that she has arrived at home until the driver is opening up her door.

“thank you, Graham” Perrie says with a smile, climbing out of the back seat. “anytime miss edwards, you have a nice night” the driver says. She offers a quick “you too” and makes her way to the front door of the house. She unlocks the door and is immediately met with a deafening silence. She never realised how loud her life was until she got home, always surrounded by chatty girls, bustling crowds or the loud vocals in the studio. So when she gets home to nothing but silence it’s almost eerie. Perrie wants nothing more than to blast music as loud as the speakers can handle and invite friends round to sing karaoke and eat pizza and laugh into the dark hours of the night. But she knows that’s not very realistic with her current hectic work schedule. So she goes to her kind-of-boyfriend Ryan’s flat and fucks him until she forgets the silence, eventually drifting off to sleep smelling like _him_ , thinking of _Jade_.


	2. early mornings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter very briefly mentions eating disorders so this is a quick trigger warning. the fic will delve a bit deeper into this issue so read carefully if this could be a trigger for you. look after yourself gorgey huns! 
> 
> p.s. I don't want my mentioning of this topic to sound insensitive but I myself have been through an eating disorder and this is how my personal portrayal would be similar to. Sorry if I offend anyone, it is not my intention.

Jade wakes up feeling much better than yesterday. _thank god for a later start today, don’t know how James managed to swing that but I love him for it._

It means she gets a few extra hours in bed before she finally has to get up and face the world. Jade finds herself feeling a bit off whilst making breakfast, but puts it down to just being so incredibly hungry after not eating last night, or the day before. That’s probably something she should look into after the whole eating disorder situation but she’s not choosing not to eat, _I mean hey I’m eating breakfast right now ain’t I?_ Surely little ana’s not creeping her way back into her life, not after 7 years, no she couldn’t be.

She decides to leave that issue for another, less busy day. Preferably one when she doesn’t have 6 interviews and a photoshoot to get through. She heads to the front door once three curt knocks sound through the lounge, indicating her driver has arrived.

Jade walks into the studio to see Perrie there yet again, 10 minutes early. Now once she could ignore but twice in a row, this girl has definitely been taken over by an alien.

“-like I said, I’m just so confused about it all- oh Jade! Hey!” the brunette walks into what seems like quite a serious phone call, greeted by Perrie's grin. She looks at the blonde a moment, admiring her bright smile that could light up a thousand stadiums. It makes Jade feel warm and sunny. She shakes her head, not knowing why that thought just ran across her mind.

“what’re you doing here so early again,” She asks.

“what’s it matter to you eh? surely you’d prefer I’m early to work instead of running behind all the time?” Perrie asks inquisitorially.

“well yeah it’s nice but I’m so confused, I don’t think you’ve ever been early to work in 6 years, and now all of a sudden you’re early, twice in a row at that. not gonna lie I think an alien's taken over your body.” Jade laughs, she grabs Perrie’s shoulders and shakes gently, “hello, earth to alien, what’ve you done with my Pez?”

Perrie falters for a second. _my Pez_ sounds so nice coming from Jade’s lips. But she just chuckles and rolls her eyes. “nout’s happened. I told you yesterday I was awake early, no point in wasting the morning in bed eh?” Perrie answers the smaller girl.

“but you love wasting your morning in bed, I remember having to drag you out every morning on X-factor when you didn’t want to wake up” Jade explains, shooting Perrie a worried glance.

“Yeah well, I couldn’t sleep and I was at Ryan’s and I wanted to go home before I came here so I left early. simple as.” Perrie says with a small smile. The girl looks tired like she’s been up all night worried about something in particular. But Jade decides not to press the issue, Perrie will come to her when she’s ready to talk.

So she just offers a smile and says “ah well I guess you didn’t do much sleeping last night then eh? no wonder you were up early, have a happy morning too I bet?”

The blonde chuckles and swats Jade’s arm with her magazine. “oi we did no such thing!” Perrie exclaims. Obviously, that was a lie but Jade saw straight through it.

Soon after Leigh-Anne and Jesy walk through the door, looking in deep discussion, which abruptly ends when they notice the two girls already in the studio. They share a meaningful look that Jade can’t quite put her finger on. She’ll figure it out later. Lunchtime rolls around and the girls have just finished their photoshoots. Grateful for their break, the girls waste no time chatting and giggling away at everything and nothing. Until the conversation goes in the direction of boys.

“So, have you and Ryan made it official yet?” Jesy asks Perrie. There was a noticeable shift in the energy in the room, Jesy seemed to have struck a nerve no one knew she shouldn’t.

“erm....no. and I don’t think we will...” Perrie starts, voice trailing off in a somber tone.

“What d’you mean? you were round his this morning? oh god did you end it, is that why you were here so early. babe, I am so stupid I’m sorry” Jade blurts out, brushing a comforting hand up and down Perrie’s thigh. Little did she know how her touch sent bolts of electricity through Perrie’s body, lighting her up in a way Ryan never could.

“oh, no babe that’s not it don’t worry. I mean, it’s fun and all but...I think that’s all it is. for me anyway. I just don’t see us going any further than this casual thing we’re doing. which is...great...but it’s not what I want I don’t think” Perrie explains. Her tone showed Jade that she was telling the truth, but there was something behind her eyes, hinting at something she wasn’t letting on yet.

“oh bub, I know how you feel. remember when I was with Jordan? before Andre? and he wanted more and I didn’t. ugh casual is the worst!” Leigh-Anne exclaims, empathising with the blonde girl in front of her.

“yeah, I was just confused about it I think. I told Jade earlier like I’ve not been sleeping and I think it might be because of that. like I know I should put him out of his misery and stop stringing him along but...if I’m honest the sex is too good!” Perrie chuckles out. All the girls erupt into a fit of giggles, a blush rising onto Perrie’s pale skin.

“As much as I condone great sex, you know you have to do the right thing” Jesy reasons. Jesy’s always been the logical one of the group. Always knowing what the right thing to do is, always knowing when to take the next step.

“I know, I know,” the geordie says, defeated. “it’s just hard y’know? like I don’t want to break his heart. God knows I’ve had enough of that myself” Perrie laughs deflatedly.

“well we always told you you’d break boys' hearts, didn’t we? didn’t believe us back then, bet you wish you had now eh?” Jade offers. “Ryan’s a big boy, I’m sure he can handle it” the brunette offers Perrie a sympathetic smile and a hand on the arm. This time, Perrie couldn’t contain the shiver Jade’s touch caused her. The girls look at her oddly.

“you cold or something?” Jesy asks with a look of knowing. Perrie knew she’d been caught out. Jesy was always good at figuring things out, it was only time before she figured out why Perrie kept on acting weirdly whenever Jade was around or asking to sit next to Jade every time they got in the car.

“haha, or something yeah. did-uhm did someone turn the air con on?” Perrie stumbles over her words, trying to conceal the fact that she’s very obviously got feelings for Jade. Well, obvious to everyone but Jade apparently. Just as Leigh-Anne goes to ask her a question, James walks in, signaling that it was time for their interviews. Jesy and Leigh-Anne share that same look again. Jade makes a mental note to ask them about that before they leave.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t get the chance as they scurry off together faster than the interviewer could say ‘we’re done’. Taken aback by their behaviour, Jade turns to Perrie and asks, “what was all that about? those two are acting really strange I’ll tell you”.

“wouldn’t be able to tell you if I tried babe. probably something stupid anyways” Perrie pauses, as if there’s something she’s been meaning to say to Jade “Jade-“.

“Perrie-“ they say simultaneously. they giggle, and Jade says “you first”.

“well, I was just gonna say d’you want to come round mine for dinner? I think I need a girls' night before I end things with Ryan.” Perrie says with a pout. How could Jade resist?

“Funny thing I was just gonna offer to have you around tonight. yeah, Pez I’d love to. we’ll have a proper girly night in like we used to” Jade answers her, a familiar warm feeling spreading through her veins when she sees that glowing smile she loves so much.

So the two Geordies head back to Perrie’s gorgeous house. Jade’s forgotten just how big the blonde’s house is, as she exclaims “fuck me” when she steps inside the front door.

“what?” Perrie asks with a chuckle.

“nothing, I honestly forgot how massive your house is Pezza. it’s gorgeous” Jade gushes.

“aw thanks babe, y’know that’s because you haven’t been round in ages,” Perrie says almost mournfully if it weren’t for the smirk on her face. She kicks off her shoes and walks towards the lounge, Jade following suit.

“yeah well you’ve been a bit preoccupied with your boyfriend to have me round” Jade snaps, not meaning for it to sound as harsh as it came out. “sorry-that was bitchy of me,” she says shaking her head.

“no, no. I deserve it, I have been a bit distracted lately. but no more! not after tomorrow anyways” Perrie says settling next to the smaller girl on the sofa.

“Yeah, how are you feeling about that? cuz I know it must be hard, it’s not like you’ve got no feelings for him at all eh?” Jade says, glancing up at the blonde.

“Babe if we’re gonna talk about boys I’m gonna need a drink, d’you fancy wine?” She inquires, a devilishly playful smile dancing on her lips.

“always babe. count me in!” Jade answers readily.

The girls drink a bottle of wine each, order their favourite Indian food, and pop a Disney film on the TV. They chat about work, their family, what they’ve been up to at home, and everything else. Conversation soon turns back to the topic of Ryan, Perrie's head gently resting in Jade's lap, the brunette's fingers caressing the blonde's hair. If you were to look at this image from an outsider's point of view, you would think they were a long-term couple, not just best friends. The way a comfortable silence fell upon them so easily, no awkwardness, no expectations. Just love. It was so obvious the girls both had feelings for each other to everyone but themselves apparently. At the mention of Ryan's name, Perrie shifted uncomfortably in Jade's lap. Jade noticed the sudden change in energy and cursed herself for ruining such a nice moment.

"We don't have to talk about him if you don't want to, sorry I brought it up that was silly of me," Jade said bashfully. The blonde moves slightly and brings a hand up to cup Jade's cheek. 

"No, it's fine babe. I'm the one who should be sorry, complaining about all my boy troubles and whatnot" Perrie says gently, "If I'm honest, I've been thinking 'bout it all day and I think the best way to end it is to just rip the plaster off quick y'know? Just get it over and done with so I'm not stringing the poor boy along anymore" Perrie's eyebrows knit together as if she's in deep thought. 

"Are you sure? I don't want you to rush nout bub" Jade says, reaching her hand to lay on the one Perrie has on her cheek. The warmth of her palm spreading across Jade. She'd noticed recently how Perrie always made her feel at home, cozy almost, like the place she was most comfortable was with her Pez. Perrie sighs contentedly at the feeling of Jade's slender fingers intertwining with hers. 

"I'm sure. It's not fair to keep stringing him along, he deserves better than that y'know? I mean it's not like it's gonna hurt me at all, honestly, I think it was always just sex for me, he definitely wants more though. So I need to do as Jesy said and do the right thing. Otherwise, I'll end up hurting him more in the end, and you know I would never want to hurt anyone like that. So I think it's just best that I end it all now" Perrie rambles. Jade is looking down at her with a face of adoration, she can only wish to be as honorable and angelic as the blonde still in her lap. She giggles slightly, causing Perrie to move her hand from the brunette's face, looking into her eyes now. "what's so funny? eh?" She asks pointedly. 

"Nothing babe, you just could have said that in about a million fewer words than you did" Jade tries to contain her giggles now. " But I agree, you always do what's right so I know you'll do the right thing this time Pez." She continues, beaming down at Perrie. 

"Thanks, Jadey, you always know how to make me feel better" Perrie smiles up at Jade, snuggling closer into her lap. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a short chapter, but I wanted to end it here before it gets a bit juicier in the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoyed it! xx


	3. empty plates, empty hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of Chapter 2, so it's the same time/place, etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders discussed in this chapter, read carefully if this may trigger you.

A comfortable silence falls upon the lounge, both girls settling back into the sofa, eyes fixed on their third Disney film this evening. If you were to listen carefully, you could hear the low rumble of Jade's hungry stomach. Unfortunately for Jade, Perrie's head is firmly rooted on her thighs, so the blonde clearly hears the noise coming from the brunette's body. 

"You hungry babe?" Perrie asks, startled slightly by the sudden growl.

"Oh no haha, can't be, I'm still stuffed from the Indian." Jade huffs, but she knows Perrie's noticed her sudden stiffness.

She sits up, eyes fixing on Jade's plate half-hidden on the floor, the curry barely touched. Her eyes shift from the mostly-full plate back to Jade's eyes. Seeing her gaze drift between her own eyes and the plate the small girl didn't hide well enough, Perrie could feel her body tense against the soft fabric of the sofa. She reaches a hand out, stroking Jade's arm, trying her best to ease her tension.

"Oh, erm...uh...it's just that....it's not what it looks like," Jade says, panic obvious in the way her voice is strained. She looks at the floor, unable to hold Perrie's gaze anymore, for fear of what? Jade doesn't know, judgement isn't part of Perrie's nature. No, Jade is scared she may have disappointed her. Let her down in some way. Perrie's heart quivers when she hears Jade's breath quicken in panic.

"It's okay if it is. y'know, if it's what it looks like," Perrie says softly, a small smile on her lips. "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but you know I'm here for you right? forever and always." and with that, she takes Jade's small hand in her own and plants a feathering kiss to her knuckles. Jade's heart flutters at the feeling of Perrie's lips on her hand, gentle as a sunray piercing through grey clouds. They sit in silence for a moment while Jade slows her breathing down a little. With one final deep breath, she eventually turns to face Perrie, gaze trailing up her beautiful face until she's met with ocean eyes. She hadn't noticed how clear Perrie's eyes were before, only now seeing the crystal sapphires for how gorgeous they truly are. They're a piercing blue, her gaze seeming like she's looking right into your soul, but hold a warmth Jade's never seen before, a warmth that makes her feel at home. 

"I'm sorry Pez, I-i didn't mean for it to start again. I was doing so well and then-" Jade starts. Perrie reaches across to wipe tears she didn't know were falling from her caramel skin. 

"and then what baby?" Perrie says, trying her best not to crumble and wrap the small girl in a massive embrace. She knows that's not what Jade needs right now. 

"-and then...I don't know...i-it's like all of a sudden that little voice has come back. all my old urges have flooded my brain and I don't know why! I wake up every morning feeling trapped in my skin, my body. A-and when I look in the mirror it's like my brain can't perceive what I actually look like and I hate it! I just need someone to tell me I'm gonna be okay..." Jade answers the blonde, the end of her words coming out as a croak, her body too full of tears to manage any more than that. Perrie's heart breaks seeing her best friend so feeble and broken, she decides against her better judgement and pulls Jade into her arms, the smaller girl collapsing against her body. Jade's head resting on the blonde's chest as she sobs whilst listening to her steady heartbeat, feeling Perrie's strong arms holding her so gently, so firmly. Perrie peppers kisses in Jade's hair, whispering "it's going to be okay baba, you're going to be okay I promise" a million times over until the heartwrenching sobs ease into slow breaths and intermittent sniffles. After Jade calms down a bit, she unlatches herself from Perrie, the blonde letting out a quiet whimper at the loss of contact until Jade takes Perrie's hands in her own. She brings her gaze down to meet the brunette's, heart aching when she sees the hurt in her friend's bloodshot eyes. 

"Thank you, Pez, for not judging us," Jade says quietly.

"I could never baba, you know that," Perrie answers just as quietly. 

"I know, it's silly but I just thought I would have disappointed you is all. Cuz you were there at the start and you saw me get better....and I guess I thought I'm letting you down by relapsing" the geordie breathes.

"You could never do anything to let me down okay? and I promise you, babe, I'm not disappointed. a little upset you didn't come to me when it was getting bad again maybe, but that's nothing compared to how glad I am that you've told us now. We'll get through this together okay? forever and always" Perrie offers in a gentle tone, once again reaching out to kiss the back of Jade's hands. 

"forever and always" Jade says in a hopeful tone, a small smile edging onto her lips. 

Perrie doesn't know exactly what brings her to do it, but it just feels like the right thing to do. So she decides to ignore her better judgement for a second time that evening, leaning down to the brunette held in her arms, now facing away from her, she places a soft kiss to Jade's lips. The smaller girl is surprised by the action for a fraction of a second before kissing back. It only lasts a few seconds then Perrie is pulling away from the chaste kiss. She settles back into the sofa with a small smile on her lips, Jade leaning into her body, sighing contentedly. Jade and Perrie stay snuggled up in that position, their shared kiss playing on repeat in both girls' minds as they gently drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this chapter too! 
> 
> Look after yourselves you gorgey huns!! xx


	4. stolen kisses in the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade tries to figure out why Perrie makes her feel this way. Perrie has had enough of the silence. And the girls get drunk again.

When Jade awakes, she finds herself wrapped in warm blankets, head buried in a mountain of soft pillows. A satisfied whimper escapes her lips as she stretches out contentedly against the white sheets. She doesn’t remember much from the previous night, and she can thank the bottle of wine she drank for that. But Jade’s sure she fell asleep on the sofa. She resigns the thought and figures Perrie must have taken her to bed. The thought of Perrie carrying her in her strong arms sends a sudden rush of warmth through Jade’s body, smiling down at her palms. A memory crashes its way through the haze in her brain, almost making Jade shiver. She remembers kind gazes, warm smiles….and soft pink lips caressing her own. _Holy shit. Perrie kissed me last night-_ is all Jade can think. The scene replaying in her mind a thousand times over, if she tries hard enough she swears she can still feel the tickle of her breath over her skin. It sends shivers down her spine, her mind racing as to why she feels so nervous and uneasy. A familiar yet unknown flutter settles in her stomach, breath quickening ever so slightly.

She’s brought back to reality by a blonde mess of hair and limbs jump onto the bed, startling her. A giggle erupts from Perrie’s mouth as she stares up at Jade, utterly astounded by how the brunette girl looks so perfect in the mornings. Perrie’s heart flutters as she sees a warm smile creep onto the smaller girl’s face, hoping she’s the reason for the smile. Jade swats Perrie’s arm softly, the blonde emitting a sarcastic protest interrupted by a fit of giggles.

“Oi, d’you mind? I’m trying to sleep here man,” Jade says, though her small smile tells the taller girl she’s not actually annoyed.

“It’s almost 12! I can’t let you sleep all day, I’d be ever so bored!” Perrie exclaims between laughs.

“Alright alright, you win! But only if you make me a cuppa, and bring me some biscuits” Jade says, acting defeated.

“Coming right up shweetheart!” Perrie says in an awful cockney accent eliciting a giggle from the brunette girl still swathed in cozy blankets.

With a final glance at the tired girl she was sure was falling back to sleep already, Perrie walks out of her guest bedroom into the hallway. Walking a few paces down the hall, she stops and leans against the wall, trying to catch her ever-quickening breath. She recounts all of the events of the night before, remembering how much fun she’d had with Jade. Then the memories flood back, albeit a bit hazy from the alcohol, of Jade admitting to her relapse. Perrie’s heart breaks a fraction more every time she remembers her broken little face, the pain in her eyes as she cried burnt into Perrie’s mind. Then she thinks back to the kiss. She feels so stupid,why had she done that? This is just going to confuse everything more now. But she can’t help the smile that manages its way onto her face when she remembers the feeling of Jade’s plump lips against hers. The way it felt so right, yet so wrong. How she felt so comfortable in that moment, how she never wanted it to end. But it did, and that was probably for the best, Perrie thinks.

She shakes her head, _you’re being silly_ \- she thinks to herself. Jade didn’t seem to remember it at all from last night, she’s sure the brunette would have mentioned it if she had, would have put it down to being a drunk emotional mess, and Perrie would have agreed, not wanting her to know her own selfish intentions.

Perrie sets about flicking the kettle on when she enters the large kitchen, tiles cold against her bare feet. She yelps at the sudden coldness, a shiver running up her legs. Just as she’s pouring the boiling water into the two mugs, a pair of fluffy socks are flung across the room, hitting her arm before dropping to the floor. She looks up startled, to see Jade with a playful smirk across her face.

“Thought your feet’d be cold” She says with a shrug. Perrie smiles, picking up the socks and quickly putting them on, savouring the warmth they finally brought to her freezing toes.

“Bloody freezing they were, thanks babe” Perrie says with a warm smile. She finishes putting a splash of milk in both mugs before sliding one across to Jade sitting across the island from her. Just before Jade can utter a word in protest, Perrie shoves a pack of chocolate digestives in her direction.

“I didn’t forget” Perrie laughs.

“Didn’t think you would hun” Jade says, smirking as her eyes met Perries. The gaze lingers for a moment too long and Jade averts her eyes towards the biscuit package. She tears it open and hesitantly picks one biscuit out. Feeling Perrie’s eyes on her, she quickly looks up and feels the need to take another biscuit. But Perrie stops her, thankfully, with a loving smile on her lips.

“You don’t have to have more if you can’t right now, okay? Baby steps yeah?” Perrie says, a hand resting on top of Jade’s fingers.

“Okay…thank you love” Jade replies. She feels so grateful to have someone so accepting and supportive in her life as Perrie. Someone who doesn’t need to understand what she’s going through to be there for her, someone who’s not going to force her to do anything she can’t, just reassuring her that everything will be okay again. So Jade takes a bite of her biscuit, feeling proud for allowing herself to do this. The girls chat about silly things they’ve seen on the internet, eventually retiring to the lounge to laze on the sofa, glad to finally have a day off. 

Hours pass by, the girls enjoying each other’s company so much that they don’t see the time passing until Perrie hears the doorbell ring. _Fuck._ How could she have forgotten that she’d invited Ryan over to finally have _the talk._ The loud sound startled both girls, Jade giving Perrie a confused look before realisation dawned on her face.

“Bloody hell I forgot he was coming over,” the brunette started, jumping to her feet. “I’d better go, don’t want to interrupt” but Perrie grabbed her arm, a panicked look in her eyes, begging her to stay.

“No! Please don’t…I mean, we’re not gonna be long…and I want you to be here after if that’s alright?” The blonde pleads.

With a nod of her head, Jade walks quickly upstairs and shuts herself in the guest bedroom so she doesn’t intrude on this sensitive moment. She busies herself with a book that catches her eye on Perrie’s bookshelf.

Meanwhile downstairs, Perrie is smoothing her trousers before opening the front door, greeted by the grinning man she was about to break up with.

“Perrie! Hey!” He says, pulling Perrie in for a hug, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before entering the hallway. Perrie leads him to the kitchen, fixing him a drink before turning to face him. He gladly accepts the drink, taking a sip before quickly moving behind Perrie, hands trailing up her sides, planting kisses to her neck. Perrie moans at the contact, momentarily forgetting the reason she asked Ryan round in the first place. He spins Perrie around, pinning her to the counter, trailing hot kisses along the sharp line of her jaw before kissing her lips firmly. Just as he tries to deepen the kiss, Perrie pulls away, pushing a hand against his chest, trying to create some distance between the two.

He looks at her confusedly, “what’s wrong? Did I do something?” He asks desperately. Perrie hates that she’s about to break his heart, she wishes it didn’t have to be this way, but it does, because her heart belongs to someone else.

“No, no not exactly,” Perrie starts, shifting out from against the counter, putting space between them. “It’s just that uhm...well, you see, the reason I asked you round tonight wasn’t for that….it’-“

“It’s that you’re breaking up with me.” He says dejectedly.

Perrie looks up to meet his eyes, faltering at the slight glassiness that had appeared. “I promise you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s me, it’s….”

“It’s Jade isn’t it?” He says knowingly, finishing her sentence yet again.

“I..uhm…ho-how did you know?” Perrie asks, realising there’s no point in denying it now, the boy had her all figured out.

“I see the way you look at her, the way you talk about her like she’s the best thing in the world. It’s pretty obvious if I’m honest” he explains.

“Im sorry, I never meant for anything to happen, I just can’t help it…” Perrie replies solemnly.

“It’s okay, genuinely. I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed that we can’t go any further, but I understand why. And don’t worry, I promise I won’t tell anyone, especially Jade” Ryan explains

“Thank you so much Ryan, and I’m sorry about all this” is all she can manage as she wraps the kind man in a warm hug, breathing a sigh of relief into his shirt.

With that, Ryan walks away from Perrie, signalling his exit when the front door closes. Perrie leans back against the counter, dropping her head into her hands, fighting off tears. She can’t believe she has finally admitted to someone that she’s in love with Jade, it gets too overwhelming for Perrie as she feels her heartbeat quicken and her breath become ragged. She senses a panic attack starting and quickly tries to calm her breathing down, taking deep breaths, in and out as she’s counts them out in her head. Perrie is so focused on calming herself down that she barely registers when Jade scoops her into her arms, holding her gently. Jade runs slender fingers through her golden hair as she whispers words of encouragement, telling Perrie everything is going to be okay, “breath, baba…breathe, in….and out….”.

Perrie’s rapid breathing subsides and she feels her heartbeat begin to return to normal.

“There we go babe, that’s better…you’re okay” Jade kisses the top of the blonde’s hair as she cradles the younger woman in her arms. They sit there for a while, in the middle of the kitchen floor, a pile of entangled limbs, only the girls’ steady breathing to be heard. Jade wants to ask Perrie what happened, but knows she’ll tell her eventually, once she’s ready. Half an hour passes by, not a word spoken between the girls, just Jade holding Perrie and her enjoying the closeness. Perrie knows she is being selfish but she doesn’t want Jade to let go of her just yet, she relishes in the warmth radiating from the older girl’s body, the sweet scent of Jade’s perfume clouding Perrie’s mind.It’s her who speaks first, feeling guilty for being so close to Jade.

“Thank you” Perrie says in a small, timid voice. Jade responds by squeezing her arm, running her hand reassuringly up and down the blonde’s thigh.

“Always, bub. Are you ready to talk about it? Or do you need some more time?” Jade asks gently. Perrie takes a second to respond as she’s distracted by the soft hand currently trailing lazy patterns high up on her thigh.

“Uhm…yeah, no I-i want to talk about it” Perrie starts, shifting slightly so she’s no longer cradled in Jade’s arms. She doesn’t know how long she could stay there before it got too much. She doesn’t seem to notice the flash of a grimace cross Jade’s face as she disentangles herself from the older girl. Jade’s heart longs to be connected to Perrie again, but she knows Perrie needs space.

Perrie blows out a big breath before speaking, “I just-feel bad is all. Guilty. I feel guilty, for leading him on, and he was so upset. I don’t think I actually knew how much he liked me until just then...I got overwhelmed by it all.”

“That all?” Jade nudges, she feels like there’s something else Perrie’s hiding from her, but can’t seem to put her finger on it.

“Yeah…yeah that’s it, you know how my anxiety can be…” Perrie answers, almost too quickly. But Jade lets it go, it can be a discussion for another day. She stands up, reaching a hand down to her friend, pulling her from the ground as the blonde intertwines their fingers. She pulls Jade in for a grateful hug, her body secretly needing to feel Jade against her one more time. What she doesn’t know is that Jade’s body had been yearning for the closeness too.

When they break apart, Jade smiles lazily up at Perrie before leading her into the lounge.

“Now, you sit there and pick a film, I’ll go and grab some ice cream, is chocolate alright?” Jade orders as Perrie settles into the corner of the sofa. With a nod from Perrie, Jade heads to the kitchen. She takes her time getting bowls and spoons, having trouble finding things in the younger girl’s massive kitchen.

Perrie’s phone rings all of a sudden, lighting up the now-dark lounge. She sees Jesy’s name flash across the screen and presses the answer button.

“Hey Jes! What’s up?” Perrie asks her best friend.

“I need to talk to you about something…” Jesy says in a serious tone which worries Perrie.

“Uhh…okay? What’s wrong?” Perrie asks again, wondering why her friend is being so cryptic.

“Look I don’t want to get the wrong end of the stick but-“ Jesy pauses as she thinks of the best way to ask her best friend, “me and Leigh have seen the way you look at Jade and I need to know…do you like her? Like LIKE her?”

Perrie breathes into the phone, not knowing what to say. She’s not exactly surprised Jesy’s asked her this, she figured she knew the other day at work, but she’s still shocked that she knows.

“Not that there’s anything bad about that, I just need to know if it’s what I think it is?” Jesy explains hurriedly, not wanting to catch Perrie off guard.

“Well….I guess you already know, so uhh…yeah, actually, I do. And I don’t really know what to do about it.” Perrie sighs into the phone.

“Okay, wow, this is a lot to deal with, I can only imagine how you feel” Jesy starts.

“Yeah, its quite confusing!” Perrie exclaims, “but its not like I can do anything about it, honestly Jes, I’ll be fine, I’ll get over it”.

“If you’re sure baba, I just don’t want you getting hurt. It ain’t worth risking your friendship. I just need you to know that me and Leigh don’t have a problem with you liking girls, I mean course it was a bit of a surprise but it don’t make a difference to us, we love you” Jesy assures Perrie.

“I don’t think I like girls though Jes, I just think it’s _her_ , y’know. I don’t know I’m being silly. And I love you too babes. Right I’ve gotta go, bye Jes” and with a quick goodbye from Jesy, Perrie hangs up the phone.

She can’t believe she’s just told two people in one night that she’s in love with her best friend, and band mate. She shakes her head in disbelief, mouth agape. She quickly recovers as she her eye catches Jade waltzing into the room, arms filled to the brim with ice cream and snacks. Perrie beams at Jade like an excited puppy, making Jade chuckle lightly. Jade sets all the food down on the coffee table, before grabbing the cozy blanket, draping it over Perrie’s body stretched out on the sofa.

Jade settles herself on the sofa, not cuddled into Perrie like she desperately wants, and tucks her feet under her. The girls start on the snacks immediately while Perrie browses through the films. She finally settles on a film Jade hasn’t seen before.

“It’s beautiful” Perrie insists, “you’ll love it!”.

Before starting the film, Perrie gets up and walks towards the mini cooler behind the sofa. Opening the fridge, her eyes focus on the expensive bottle of wine she’d bought months prior for a girl’s night that never happened. _Why not?_ Perrie thinks as she grabs hold of the bottle, picking up the corkscrew after closing the cooler. She walks back around to the front of the sofa, softly waving the bottle in her hand, a grin on her face. Jade’s face lights up when she sees the wine in Perrie’s hand, she doesn’t think she could get through the night around Perrie sober without going insane.

Perrie sets the bottle down on the table alongside the bottle opener, “I’ll just go and get some glasses” she turns to walk to the kitchen but is stopped by Jade’s voice.

“Don’t bother hun, its not gonna last that long, I’m in need of a drink.” Perrie chuckles at her statement, “And so are you, so pass the bottle over here” Jade says, holding a hand out expectantly.

She makes quick work of opening the bottle, the cork sliding out with ease. She takes a big swig of wine, gasping at the fruity taste.

“That nice is it? gimme here I wanna try” Perrie chuckles, taking the bottle out of Jade’s slender fingers.

Perrie starts the film and the girls fix their eyes on the big screen. They steal glances at each other from time to time, eyes transfixed on soft features, plump lips. At some point they realise the wine is empty, and Perrie stumbles away to grab another, but comes back with one each. Thrusting one of the bottles into Jade’s hand, she sits back o the sofa, noticeably closer to Jade than she was before, their thighs touching.

Jade lets out a loud laugh as she grabs the bottle from Perrie, “are you trying to get me drunk miss Edwards?” Jade asks, words slurring together as she realises how drunk she already is.

“I think you already are babe!” Perrie exclaims, grinning, “but I’ve had this wine for ages and I bloody love wine so I don’t care how drunk I get!” She finishes in an awful Australian accent. Jade barks out a loud laugh as she almost falls from the sofa, finding drunk Perrie to be absolutely hilarious.

The girls disregard the film entirely, not knowing when the film finished and when the music started. But they find themselves clutching their second empty wine bottles, swaying in time to whatever R&B song Jade had put on.

By now, they are past the point of being tipsy, heading towards blackout drunk if they weren’t careful. Jade is the first to move closer, dropping the empty bottle onto the soft carpet with a thud. She takes Perrie’s hand into her own, intertwining their fingers as she watches Perrie’s beautiful face. The blonde has her eyes closed, a small smile playing on her lips as she sways her hips to the music. Her smile grows as she feels Jade’s hand holding hers, her gleaming teeth shining as she beams at Jade. She instinctively pulls her closer, eyes still closed as she feels the warmth of Jade’s body slowly melt into her own. The brunette closes her eyes, not wanting to see, just wanting to _feel_ the closeness, feel Perrie’s body as it curves around her own, hands snaking their way to her hips as Perrie guides their movements. Jade’s fingers trail up Perrie’s sides, too eagerly to be passed off as just friendly touches. They entangle themselves in the blonde’s thick hair at the nape of her neck, Perrie quietly moaning at the feeling of Jade’s hands touching her, holding her just how she wants.

An upbeat club song resounds through the speakers, both girls finally opening their eyes in excitement. They dance along energetically, albeit messily due to the alcohol. Jade doesn’t think twice before spinning around, grinding her ass into Perrie who grabs onto the smaller girl’s hips in excitement. If Jade could see the look on Perrie’s face she would find her eyes dark with lust, licking her lips as she relishes in the feeling of Jade’s body on hers. Jade stands up and pushes her back up against Perrie’s front, bringing the younger girl’s hands around her waist, to hold her as she dances into Perrie. Their bodies mould into each other, moving fluidly as one to the sexy R&B record blasting through the room.

The music suddenly cuts out, sending a deafening silence into the room. Both girls immediately jump apart out of shock, and disbelief as to what they had just been doing.

Jade clears her throat as she grabs her phone off the table, “the playlist ended, sorry” she says with a slight chuckle, trying to hide the strange tension that had just fallen over the room.

Perrie manages a weak smile before a sadness suddenly falls ashen across Perrie’s face. She remembers the silence. The horrible silence she lives with everyday and every night that seemed to only go away when she was with Jade.

With a concerned look on her face, Jade pads over to her, cupping Perrie’s face in her hands worriedly. “Babe? You alright?”

“I don’t like the silence.” Perrie mumbles, but Jade can’t quite catch what she says.

“what was that Pez?” She asks gently, still looking worriedly up at the blonde in front of her.

“I don’t like the silence! my house is too quiet! everyday i come home from work and there’s just nothing! no ones here, no one to talk to, or cook with, or cuddle or vent to and i’m just so sick of the silence!” Perrie exclaims, finally letting go.

Jade hugs the taller girl, her head resting in the crook of her neck. Jade feels Perrie’s soft lips fluttering against her skin as she breathes. Butterflies dance in her stomach, a pulsating energy coursing through her veins. She doesn’t know what comes over her, probably the two bottles of wine she’s drunk, but all of a sudden she’s moving her face down to meet Perrie’s. Taking one look at her lips before leaning in and brushing hers over the blonde’s rosy lips.

Perrie kisses back gently, the chaste kiss only lasting a few seconds before they both pull away. Neither of them seem particularly shocked by the kiss, looking at each other with big, endearing eyes. Something takes over Jade as she breaks eye-contact with the blonde, looking at her lips. She wants nothing more than to kiss her again, so she does. Pulling Perrie in for another kiss, this time more passionate, a ferocity fighting its way through as she passes her tongue over Perrie’s bottom lip. The blonde gasps at this but quickly parts her lips, letting Jade’s tongue explore. They kiss passionately for what seems like forever, Perrie trailing hands up the older girl’s arms, resting between her neck and collarbones, fingers fluttering over the bare skin, driving Jade’s senses wild. Jade’s hands tangle in Perrie’s hair, gripping her head gently as she kisses her.

They break apart after a while, out of breath, a dark blush rising up their chests. Perrie is the first to speak, feeling guilty for taking advantage of Jade, not knowing how the brunette enjoyed their kiss as much as she has.

“I’m so sorry, god I didn’t realise how drunk I am!” Perrie apologises, trying to make light of the situation. It’s not like they’ve never kissed like this before, but all those times were with the other girls, a quick snog at a party meant nothing. But alone is different, much more intimate, there’s no one to show off for here.

“eeh, no don’t worry eh? Maybe that second bottle of wine wasn’t such a good idea” Jade giggles, trying to hide how aroused their little makeout has made her.

“Right, well…I think it’s time to go to bed now eh? gotta be up early and all that” Perrie sighs.

“Not gonna lie I forgot we had work tomorrow. Pissing hell! we’re gonna be a right pair, turning up to rehearsals hanging out our arses eh?” Jade yawns, not realising how tired she is.

They make their way upstairs to Perrie’s bedroom. She flops down on the bed while Jade waits awkwardly at the footboard. For some reason, Jade feels uncomfortable with the idea of sharing a bed with Perrie tonight. But she shakes her head, she can’t make a big deal out of what happened earlier, it’ll be weird. Besides, the girls always share a bed, it’d be more weird to ask for the spare room than to just get on with it and stay with Perrie.

The blonde slowly rises from the bed, walking towards her closet. She picks out two big t-shirts and throws one aimlessly at Jade, giggling when it hits her square in the face.

“Oi! ya bastard” Jade jokes lovingly.

Her eyes widen as she sees Perrie strip off in front of her, subconsciously licking her lips as she feels a blush start to creep up her neck. Perrie throws her bra into the laundry basket, peeling off her trousers as she pulls the t-shirt over her bare chest. Jade’s eyes transfixed on Perrie’s naked chest, as if she hasn’t seen her naked a million times before in the dressing room before performances.

She quickly averts her eyes before Perrie notices her staring, and proceeds to take off her own clothes. She unclips her bra and tosses it onto the pile she’d made with the rest of her clothes. As she pulls the t-shirt over her head, she catches Perrie looking at her, the blonde girl quickly averting her gaze when she’s caught. Without another word they climb into bed, not touching each other out of fear they’d cross the line again.

But as usual, the girls eventually end up snuggling in close, Perrie’s head on Jade’s chest listening to her heartbeat as she drifted off to sleep, her even breaths lulling Jade into slumber.

Both girls sleep peacefully, smiles playing on their lips as they dream of nothing but each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoys this chapter, i might not be posting updates for a while as i'm v busy with uni right now, but i'll post chapters when i can.   
> Look after yourselves you gorgey huns!! xx


End file.
